I remember coming across this poem by Portia Nelson while I was becoming aware that healing is a journey – a journey of individuation. She says it very well. You repeat behaviors that bring about dissatisfaction, frustration, and a loss of self-worth.
5 things to know before you change your life.
1. It starts with self-compassion.
Self-compassion is being kind and supportive with yourself when you’re confronting personal setbacks and weaknesses. It’s being warm and understanding toward yourself when you suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring your pain or flagellating yourself with self-criticism.
Research confirms that self-compassion helps you make a positive change, while beating yourself up often turns a minor setback into a major relapse. “I ate a piece of cake today” turns into “I’m never going to lose weight, so I might as well eat the whole cake.” And “Oh shoot, I used my credit card!” can quickly spiral into “I already charged one thing, so I might as well buy that $250 pair of shoes.” The initial mistake is not the problem but the misery you create over it – which tempts you to give up a goal so you don’t have to feel bad about failing or turn for comfort to the very thing you’re trying to quit.
You don’t have to feel bad about yourself to make a change.
The emotions of guilt and blame are triggered when you take a self-critical approach to change. When you’re self-critical, you treat yourself in ways you would never treat a friend: beating yourself up for every imperfection, punishing yourself for any weakness, and discouraging yourself from going after what you really want. If you view the change you’re trying to make as an act of self-care instead of trying to motivate yourself with anger or rejection, you’ll be more likely to succeed. See the behavior you want to change as a pattern or habit that’s not serving you instead of seeing yourself as bad because you have the behavior. Without shame and self-doubt you can look at yourself clearly, make conscious choices, and take the right steps.
Many people say they are reluctant to be self-compassionate because they’re afraid they would let themselves get away with anything. Don’t confuse self-compassion with self-indulgence or self-pity. Self indulgence sounds like, “I’m stressed out today so to be kind to myself I’ll just skip work and watch Netflix at home all day.” Self-pity, on the other hand, is being immersed in your own problems and forgetting that others struggle, too.
Being self-compassionate might seem unnatural at first. Especially if you didn’t experience supportive and encouraging parents. Learn to act like a nurturing parent to yourself, so even when you don’t do well, you’re still understanding and accepting of yourself.
Whether you’re trying to lose weight, quit drinking, or start going to therapy regularly – forgiving yourself for setbacks and accepting yourself where you are – -makes you more likely to succeed. Self-compassion – not judging yourself – may give you the strength to change for good.
2. Acknowledge ambivalence
Imagine there is another personality inside of you. And this personality has different beliefs, desires, and behaviors than you do. It is as if the part of you that wants the positive outcome is not in communication with the part of you that is not willing to do the new behavior. This is ambivalence. Ambivalence is being in a state of having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas. Making a connection between these two parts of yourself is an inherent part of the change process.
Examples of ambivalence:
- I want to be in a good relationship and I hate dating.
- I want to lose weight and I don’t want to stop eating whatever I want.
- I want to get a new career and I don’t want to change my work habits.
According to Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung, archetypes are models of people, behaviors or personalities. It is a term used to describe the different forces within us (that at times are in conflict with each other). Each of us has archetypes that are dominant in our personalities and lives. Becoming aware of your unique archetypes is extremely beneficial in managing ambivalence. The Chai Pro app was specifically created as a tool for increasing self-awareness by working with the energy behind your behaviors; why you do the things you do. Identifying and managing your archetypes in daily life will empower you to confront ambivalence. Acknowledging and working with internal conflicts make change more likely.
3. It doesn’t have to be ‘all or nothing’
Do you believe something either has to be one thing or another; good or bad, right or wrong, all or nothing? All or none thinking holds you back. Small changes are insignificant alone, but when added up over time, they can have a dramatic positive impact on your life. Change is a process – not an event. Writing 100 words a day is enough to write a book in one year. Making a better food choice for one meal a day will boost your self-confidence in creating healthy lifestyle changes. Four sit-ups a day is more than 1,000 sit-ups in a year. When it comes to personal growth, bigger isn’t better, consistency is. Consistency forms habits, and mini habits keep you moving forward. When you remove the pressure to perform and forced yourself to take small steps, you usually end up doing quite a bit more. Whereas if you try to do everything, you often end up doing nothing.
‘All or nothing’ thinking is a classic symptom of perfectionism. Are any of these irrational beliefs lurking in your mind?
- You must always reach the ideal no matter what
- It is what you achieve rather than who you are that is important
- I’ll never be able to change and grow the way I want to, so why try?
- If I have a failure or experience a set back in my efforts to change then I should give up.
- I have no value in life unless I am successful.
Perfectionism tends to have two components. The positive side includes things like setting high standards for yourself, understanding that mistakes are part of the learning process, and seeing them as an opportunity to grow. By contrast, negative perfectionism involves having doubts and concerns over mistakes or the belief that mistakes are unacceptable. Negative perfectionism is when your actions are motivated by what other people will think.
Brene Brown on perfectionism:
4. It’s all about you
Deep in your heart, what do you want your life to be about? What do you want to stand for? What do you want to do with your brief time on this planet? What truly matters to you in the big picture? Reflect on these questions to discover your core values.
Your personal values can be the best guide in your life. Think of values as a compass. A compass can give you direction and keep you on track when you’re traveling. Your values can do the same for the journey of life. You can use them to choose the direction in which you want to move and to keep you on track as you go. Values are about “ongoing action.” In other words, values are about how you want to behave or act on an ongoing basis – what you want to keep doing. For example, your values may include discernment/self-protective; being a good friend; maintaining health and fitness; being open and honest, etc. Values are about how you want to behave; not what you want to get.
Values vs. Goals
Values are in the here and now; in any moment, you can choose to act on them or neglect them. Even if you’ve neglected a core value for years in this moment, right now you can act on it. In contrast, goals are always in the future: a goal is something you’re aiming for, striving for, working toward. For example:
Value: eating healthily
Goal: to lose 10 lbs of weight
Value: ‘to be’ loving and respectful
Goal: ‘to get’ love and respect from others is a goal
Value: acting courageously
Goal: to feel less anxious (emotional goal)
Living a very goal-focused life can lead to a sense of chronic frustration. Why? Because you’re always looking to the future and continually striving to achieve the next goal under the illusion it will bring lasting happiness. In a values-focused life, you still have goals, but the emphasis is living by your values in each moment – which leads to a sense of fulfillment and satisfaction as your values are always available.
*Values often need to be prioritized. You may value being loving and caring toward others, but if they’re continually hostile and abusive, you may cut off contact with them because your values around self-protection and self-nurture take priority. The value of loving and caring hasn’t disappeared they’ve just been prioritized.
Know what matters. Clarify what gives your life a sense of meaning or purpose, and use your values as an ongoing guide for your actions.
5. Security is an illusion – give it up.
Life continually changes: you can lose your job at any time; health challenges can appear; you can get paralyzed in a car accident; marriages can end; and circumstances can arise that throw the security you thought you had out the door. Nobody ever knows exactly how everything is going to turn out. It’s just not possible.
How about replacing the illusion of security with the active value of “courage?”
Courage is the ability to face danger, difficulty, uncertainty, or pain without being overcome by fear or being deflected from a chosen course of action. The word ‘courage’ stems from the Latin word ‘cor’ – which means heart. Courage is a state of the heart. It’s the ability to do what seems right – even if it feels scary.
Winston Churchill called courage the first human quality because it is the quality which guarantees all others. To be the person you really want to be you will most certainly face fears, hardships, doubters, and those trying to keep you down. If you are escaping your problems by using drugs, alcohol, smoking, shopping or even relationships then its time to give up this escapement method and to be brave enough to face your problems in order to develop courage.
“It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.”
~Alan Cohen
What is more important to you – having the courage to do what you must to succeed, or cling to the things that make you feel safe? Real security means knowing there is no security, because then you will make sure you live every day of your life to the fullest.
As Saul Alinsky writes in Rules for Radicals, “Life is there ahead of you and either one tests one-self in its challenges or huddles in the valleys in a dreamless day-to-day existence whose only purpose is the preservation of an illusory security and safety.” Which road do you want to take?
It’s never too late to change; to walk down another street. Call up the courage and remain steadfast. How long will it take? Until. Until the changes you seek – happen!
Warm Regards,
Gina McKee
Gina McKee is a yoga enthusiast, movie buff, and a firm believer in the MindBody connection. Her app, Chai Pro-Insight to go, is available from Amazon, ITunes and Google Play. She also has a private practice in O’Fallon, Il. specializing in counseling women and children of all ages.
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